Counting the Cost

Dear Friends--

Recently, there was a fascinating discussion on the national cohousing listserv about "disillusionment" with cohousing. The posts were thoughtful and, from my perspective, generally supportive of the notion that the benefits outweigh the costs. I found them comforting because I'm more trusting when people are up front about "pluses and minuses."

But that doesn't mean that cohousing is everyone's cup of tea. The pattern seems to be that it takes about five years of being in community to really have enough of an appreciation for each other that things run effectively and smoothly. It would be interesting to hear from our "experienced" community residents (Shiloh, L'Abri, counseling/treatment houses, etc.) on this question.

This seems to be the "conventional wisdom" of a number of very diverse communities across the United States, in quite a variety of circumstances. One post likened it to the process of getting used to a marriage partner, and settling into productive life --while not necessarily abandoning the romance entirely!

If you're like me, you want to know all sides of a story. If you'd like an easy way to access these posts, go to //lists.cohousing.org/pipermail/cohousing-l/threads.html and type "*llusioned" in the search tool (without the quotes, but with the asterisk). That will pull up all the recent posts, along with the ones that spelled "disillusioned" incorrectly...

As a matter of provoking thought, I'll include two of the posts below. The questions below are a good way to sort out how you see community as playing a role in your life, and what role you'll play in it. Generally, the encouragement is to "try it" for at least two years before deciding. I'm as big a romantic as anyone about cohousing, but I also want my brothers and sisters to know that I don't assume it's easy. We all know that already!

Ultimately this defies all efforts at "cost/benefit analysis" and really does beckon for us to transcend that way of thinking, in a developing environment of mutual caring and commitment --where the source of caring comes from a deeper place within!

By the way, the first is the most "negative" of the posts that I read, but I think it's a good "count the costs" message. The take-away I have from this one is to avoid coalition-building in cohousing, as opposed to honest inter-personal communication --including saying "no" when I need to. I've included a second post as more in keeping with my way of thinking; read on if you've the time or the inclination!

Cheers,

--G

-------------------- FORWARDED MESSAGE FOLLOWS --------------------
June 30th 2006
I have lived in cohousing for many years, and often have felt that it's not
worth seeing, intervening, and sometimes becoming involved in inter-personal
emotional swirls. The upside I get from chatting, company, easy friends,
exchanging favors, and access to knowledgeable neighbors, also has a
downside: unpleasant calls on my attention. People in my community spend
too much time talking through the negative interactions they have all the
time with some residents.
People who are considering cohousing may want to ask themselves some
questions:
Do you avoid expressing ignorance or asking for advice?
Are you often misunderstood?
Do you feel pressure when someone does you a favor?
Do you pay close attention to how your neighbors do work or whether you do
more work than your neighbors? (if you haven't lived in cohousing, then ask
if you pay close attention to fairness among your siblings)
Do you express righteous anger when you are frustrated that others don't do
their work?
Do you generally know what's in someone else's best interest?
Are you more comfortable interacting by email than in person?
Do you think that bad people who don't "follow the rules" can be pestered
into following them?
Is it hard to express your wants and desires as your individual preferences?
Is it hard to say "no" when someone asks you to do a favor that would stress
you out?
Are other people more social than you are to a degree you think is
ridiculous? (think grasshopper and ant)
Would you rather ask someone else to talk to a neighbor about their problem
than speak with that neighbor yourself?
Can you help other people resolve their problems about a wide range of
things?
(This list could go on ....)
If you say "yes" to many of these things, then maybe rent in cohousing for a
year, before taking the plunge of buying in. Someone who says "yes" to many
of these might feel angry or put out or ignored a lot of the time.

(This second post hits the nail on the head for me --)

Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 16:18:57 -0700 (PDT)

I'm a wannabe co-houser reading as part of my goal-setting for the future, and
I always find the discussions about pros and cons fascinating.

What seems obvious to me as I read this particular thread, is that it's
expectations that get in the way of the benefits that some people testify to.
Of course, there's not going to be 100% universal participation in the drudgery
and chores.

Have I EVER been part of an organization -- whether work-oriented or
community-oriented-- in which the commitment of each and every member was
equal???? Of course not. Even in a job where we're paid for performing
specific duties, if a co-worker is ill, disabled, distressed by family
problems, I consider it totally normal to step to the plate and do a little
extra. I've been blessed by working in a setting where everyone else feels
exactly the same. The result is that, as each of us cycles through life's
crises and challenges, we do our best and rest assured that our compatriots
pick up the slack when needed.

Someone said, wait five years before you make a decision about whether
co-housing works, and that makes such sense to me. There may be times when you
feel totally put-upon, doing more than your share of the necessary work that
goes into making a community work. But in five years, there's a good chance
that you'll have a period when you, too, need to pull back--whether for health,
family or professional reasons--and the knowledge that your neighbors 'have
your back' will be amazingly supportive and healing.

I subscribe to the idea of "paying it forward." In other words, giving what's
been given to you where it's needed. Which is different from the "tit for
tat" formula of exchanging services. Maybe your neighbor helps you with your
kids when your spouse is in the hospital, and you end up helping someone who
has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. It all evens out. The important
thing is that human needs are honored and responded to.

When you identify with the COMMUNITY instead of your INDIVIDUAL self, it's
easier to see how the balance ultimately makes sense. In a two-year period,
you could easily feel, as individual, like a martyr, and resent those
freeloaders who don't contribute at your level. The test is whether, if you
develop a cancer, those freeloaders appear at your doorstep ready to take out
your garbage, sit with you and offer companionship, and drive you to the
hospital for tests and treatments.

We live in a frighteningly individualistic society in which personal
fulfilllment is almost idolized, but if, when the 'shit hits the fan'
conmmunity wins out and your neighbor drives you to your chemotherapy
appointment, something wonderful and human in the best sense has occured.

Maybe it would help to judge co-housing by it's triumphs instead of by it's
absolutely inevitable failures. Frankly, if I had to do an extra stint cooking
dinner for a community meals because others were preoccupied with other
activities, it would be amply repaid by the knowledge that I had a neighbor who
would feed my cat when I was in the hospital, or would look in on me when I was
recovering from a surgery. In my 'non-cohousing' life, I don't have to give
anything to the community and don't get exploited by giving more than my share,
but when I had a total knee replacement, there was no one to be sure that I was
Ok when I went home, either.

People aren't perfect, and they all juggle competing demands on their time, but
if community wins out in a pinch, a HUGE step forward for humanity has occured.


I hope to live in co-housing some day, but I don't need my neighbors to be
perfect. I'll be retired by then, and I expect to 'exploited' because of my
free time. All I ask is that you see me as a person, not just a resource. I
like to give to others. It gives me joy. I just hope that, if my ability to
give diminishes with time, that you embrace me nevertheless. I would certainly
do that with parents working full-time, with new mothers, with those juggling
all sorts of commitments.

If everyone recognizes that life will call on them to take their turn as both
giver and receiver, there might be a chance for community. If everyone
realized that life is long, and what calls from you changes, a lot of
resentment might be avoided. Of course, that means that the freedom of the
early twenties doesn't last forever. If your neighbors help you with childcare
when you're a young family, it only stands to reason that you might have to
help them in old age --even if you have parents needing care too. Freedom from
responsibility occurs in only the tiniest slice of young adulthood --and is
paid for by the major challenges that young people face in establishing
themselves. Later on, it's unreasonable to hope for. Only isolation and
alienation would yield you the freedom from encroachment that a 22 year old
enjoys. What kind of bargain is that????

The upshot is that avoiding 'tit for tat' thinking and celebrating the bonds of
community is likely to make experiments like co-housing pretty darn satisfying.
People might let you down in the short run, but is someone there when you need
them?

Less complaining and more gratitude always leads to more joy. My experience is
with the dominant culture rather than the co-housing one, but I think that it
leads me to know when to say 'thank you' and be tolerant of frailty. Better
than the norm is terrific, even if it falls short of utopia. I suspect that
the survivors in co-housing embrace this humble truth.

L